things open up quite a bit if we are willing to suffer. yes, the debts must be paid, but in the final analysis, what reads the ledger? are our hands skillful enough- are our hearts warm enough- to make us capable stewards of all this capital?

with all this responsibility, do we gain access to grace?

"suffering is grace"- ram dass

but isn't grace delicate? aren't there limits to all this redemption?

"i got debts that no honest man can pay"- the boss.

"everything dies baby that's a fact. but maybe everything that dies someday comes back"- the boss.

an honest gambler knows his debts may kill him but still he senses a wider lens at work, at play.

similarly:

"if you feel like lost you'll end up found, so amigo lay them raises down" - townes.

or: the bottom line:

"meet me tonight in atlantic city"- the boss.

I wanna believe the gamblers come out on top. but (help us) there are facts to the contrary. there are, as the boss says, debts no honest man can pay. there are tragic youthful stumbles on knives by our brash brightest young, pants down, overdrawn and uninsured, out in the icy cold. St. John gets hungry too.

here's the rub: at some point the rising wave of bliss and falling suffering grasps its own tail and a (unholy?) circle is formed. this circle is called death (or enlightenment)-- the baton is passed to some nascent baby soul.

this baby, of course, is all of us. we must ask who among these children can pay the debts we have accrued?

to assume a negative answer to this question is to languish in safe conservatism, fearing the devil more than god.

alternatively, facing this kind of jagged cliff, these steep odds, sometimes a leaping feeling just swells up inside. the concept of decision doesn't really apply here.

maybe it's fitting that graceful is an adjective applied not to standing still but to diving. beautiful powerful arcing swan dives, bending toward justice.

"if physical death is the price that some must pay to free their children from a permanent psychological death, then nothing will be more redemptive." MLK

* ~ so amigos, lay them raises down ~ *